Friday, December 10, 2010

Fab. Friday

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Hey Folk, I am Happy To Say That My Twins Are Coming Home, From A Long Boot Camp Run,
Will Be Nice To Have Them Home For Christmas .Welcome Back Boys :) 

DAMN I Really Have Nothing today, not feeling to well , must have a cold or something >.< This week went by FRIKIN' fast !!!

Ok I Lie I have some really Funny ASS SHIT today , some NOT  Suitable for Kids under 13..

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What To Give An Optimist And A Pessimist
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 A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If 
one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, at Christmas time their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly."Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

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Grinch Turns Eyes to Fashion Industry

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Highly popular yet grossly misunderstood, 'Mr. Grinch' today launched his new brand of men and women's fashion.
The label, "GCUK" or "Grinch Connection Undoes Kristmas" promotes faux green fur in their line of fashion and a detest for anything remotely festive.

"It was a long time coming' said Grinch 'ever since Ron Howard made that movie about me it got me thinking; where to from here?'
Joining Grinch in promoting the brand was model Heidi Kane."I like it.' Kane said 'everyone's really gone off green...and fur if you think about it. Anyway, I think GCUK will really hit off with people, particularly teenagers."
Critic and fashion expert Eva von Jorgen praised the new label."It's absolutely daaaaaarling' von Jorgen said "and that's with SIX a's."Finishing his speech before the catwalk show, Grinch sent a warning to potential buyers.

"Just don't give them as Christmas presents.' he said 'that would be stupid."

The REAL Story of Christmas: A must Read 

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Christmas is a very holy day where we celebrate the birthday of Santa Claus.
Santa Claus was in love with a girl. And that's why we sing Christmas songs about this girl named Carol.

For Santa's birthday, we give him his favorite gift: spark plugs. You might ask,

"Why can't we just mail him his gifts?"

Silly! That's because Santa Claus has no address! He's homeless.
That big red bag you see him carrying is actually full of aluminum cans!
Santa used to live in the North Pole. But he was kicked out when the United States
government began drilling for oil.

Santa Claus was born in Germany in the year 512 B.C. BC means... BEFORE Christmas.
Sadly, Santa's parents both died before he was born.
So as the saying goes, he was raised by reindeer. The reindeer did not let little

Santa play any of their reindeer games. Until one dark and stormy night where
Santa lead their Sleigh because his nose was so red and bright... from whiskey.

Santa never received any gifts on his birthday. In fact, the reindeer had HIM make
THEM gifts! This is called racism.

Also, on that night the reindeer went to a beautiful Royal Ball but made Santa
stay at home and scrub the floors. But then Santa was blessed by his Fairy
Godmother... played by Bo Derek. For transportation, she turned a pumpkin... into
a Cadillac Escalade!

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But there was one rule. Santa had to be home by the stroke of midnight or else the

Fairy Godmother would pelt his face with pinecones! Thus, the beautiful tradition of the Christmas Tree.

Santa left the Royal Ball so quickly that he lost a sock. And to remember this, we hang big red socks stuffed with small crappy gifts that bought in the toiletries aisle at Wal-Mart.

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A few days later, a frog came to the door. Santa kissed the frog and it turned into Prince Charming. The Prince exclaimed, "My lovely Santa! Is this your sock?"

Santa looked into Prince Charming's eyes and said, "Dude. I'm not g@y. I'm just jolly. I don't want your socks."

Santa soon became a party-animal. He picked up a h00ker named Miracle on the corner of 34th Street. And he called his c0caine dealer... Frosty the SNOWman.Santa also loved mar!juana. That's why he would go from house to house looking for cookies. Santa had the munchies! And the mar!juana made him laugh at everything, 

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"Ho Ho Ho!"God punished Santa for his behavior saying, "Thou shall not be able to have
children of your own... but you must still give gifts to everyone else's kids."Santa said unto God, "That's not fair."So God said unto Santa, "Life's not fair."

So now, all year round, Santa builds toys with his little helpers called the Chinese.
Then on his birthday, Santa delivers the gifts to good little boys and girls. And
judging by the crappy gifts they receive, apparently there are NO good little boys
and girls in Mexico.

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On the very first Christmas, Santa had a pimped-out Sleigh with spinning reindeer.
But his girlfriend, named Mrs. Claus, complained, "Why don't you ever let ME drive?"

Mrs. Claus would complain about a lot of things. Years later, her personality would inspire a famous ballet called The Nutcracker.

Santa gave in and of course, Mrs. Claus crashed the sleigh into a Mistletoe tree.
Santa and Mrs. Claus were so relieved to be okay that they kissed each other...
under the Mistletoe tree. And to this day, we carry on this tradition of bad women drivers.

And why do we decorate the tree with tinsel? To represent the tree that was
splattered with Santa's blood... and teeth!

Santa Claus is sometimes called by his other name: Charlie Brown.
God was was pretty ticked off that they crashed the sleigh He gave them, because
now his insurance premiums would go through the roof! So God slaughtered all
1st-born geckos.

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And God said unto Santa, "Now I'm going to make your girlfriend into your wife and
she will stress you out, until all your hair turns shock white and you must stay
with her until death do you part. Except I will never let you die!"
Santa said, "Oh man! That stinks!"
So God said, "And for that, you are not allowed to enter homes through the door, only the chimney. And you've got diabetes."
Santa yelled, "Noooooo!" And his sleigh spun in circles as he swore to have his revenge on Darth Vader.

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Here is your MORENO10 TV Guide to this year's stooooopid Christmas TV Specials!
 “A Christmas Story: Secret Shame in the North Pole… 
   Mrs. Claus’ Brave Triumph over Domestic Abuse”

"One Horse Open Slay: Silent Night, Bloody Night"

"A Very Tranny Christmas Surprise"

"Santa Claws: Adorable Kittens Wearing Festive Hats"

 "Christmas Spirit Inside You"

"Christmas Spirit Inside You, Deep Inside You"

"Christmas Spirit Inside You, Your Sister, Your Mom, and then All over your 
Face you Filthy Egg Nog Slurping Wh0re"

"Feliz Navidad Gigante y Chicas con Jingle Bells Gigante!"

"Decorating the Tree with Fabulous Ornaments"
- "Santa Claus gets a Make-Over on Queer Eye for the Gift Guy!"
          - "Fruitcake: It’s Who you are if you Watch this Channel"

 "Drug Bust: Gingerbread Man Totally Baked"

"Underage Girls in Skimpy Outfits Flaunt their Supple Bottoms and
   Flexible Legs to Music" (Figure Skating) 

 "Chestnuts and other Thinly Veiled Sexual References to Food"
- "Christmas Ham, Candied Yam, and BAM! You have a Heart Attack"
           - "Delicious Holiday Recipes to Keep the Conversation about Dinnerand Not About Your    Inability to Find a Husband Ever Since Tim Left You 7 Years Ago"

"State Code r.w.2083.b and Its Impact on Retirement Accounts Tax Liability"

"Whitey's Soulless Christmas"

- "Michael Richards Apologizes to Poor Black Children"

SHOW SUMMARY: To make up for his ignorant outburst, Michael Richards dresses as Santa and slides down the chimney to deliver gifts to poor African-American children. But his face turns black from the chimney soot causing the family to think he is even more racist than before!
Special Guest Star: That guy who made the funny sound effect noises in Police Academy.

"We Strike Tonight, While Hanukah is Still Weak"

"Gingerbread Man Snaps, Kills Family"

"Competitive Eating: Christmas Sausage" (also airing on Bravo)                          

                                               Hope You Enjoy ")

Why Women Would Love To Be Santa Claus

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1. You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
2. There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
3. You could grow a gut the size of Guam and consider it a job requirement.
4. Buy one big black belt and you'd be accessorized for life.
5. There'd be no reason to have your colors done.
6. Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't.
7. Should people suggest your belly jiggled...when you a bowlful of
jelly, you could hit them with your purse.
8. You'd always work in sensible footwear.
9. There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone who's boss.
10. You wouldn't need to buy an expensive briefcase.
11. No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
12. You'd never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip showing.
13. No more trips to the vending'd just snack on milk and cookies all day (FOR FREE!).
14. You'd never be asked to take an early retirement package.
15. Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would adore you; even your teen-agers would want to sit in your lap.
16. You'd be guaranteed the best chair in the office.
17. Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue.
18. You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.
19. No one would ask to see your job description.

Twas the Night After Christmas
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'Twas the night after Christmas, when all through the trailer,
            Not a creature was stirring, not even an old sailor.

               The stockings were dirty and thrown in a heap,
        And I hoped that some woman would arrive soon and be cheap.

           My three boys had wrestled and slugged me in the head,
        While visions of being grounded made them start to see red.

         My mamma in her 'kerchief, and my dad, with his bad back,
             Had just settled down for a light winter's snack.

           When out on the doorstep, I heard my ex-wife's patter,
     And I sprang from my recliner, to see if she'd gotten even fatter.
         Away to the front window, I flew, breaking out in a rash,
        Tore open the door, and she said, "I need a lot more cash!"

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              The moon's glow on the hood of her new Cadillac,
           Made me wish she and I had never jumped in the sack.

                When, what to my furious eyes should appear,
            But a sleazy, bald guy holding a big bottle of beer.
              With a little sly smile, and the face of a hick,
           I knew in a moment it must be her new boyfriend, Rick!

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              More rapid than eagles his burps they sure came,
        And I was sickened, and disgusted, as I said the man's      name.

                "Now, wait! Now, whoa! Now, Flo! Now, think!
           "I can't give you more money, so don't put up a stink!

               To ask for more money, you've really got gall!
                  Now, go away! Go away! Go away, y'all!"

               As dry heaves that before severe nausea come,
           When they fill up your insides and make you feel numb,

                 So, into my trailer, Flo and Rick zoomed,
            And with a sense of foreboding, I knew I was doomed.

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            And then, in an instant, I saw the two of them kiss,
            And I felt like a hit-man, who didn't want to miss.

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            As I stifled a cuss-word, and adjusted my underwear,
         Flo parked her big butt in my mom's favorite blue chair.

           She began to speak, while Rick kept guzzling his beer,
         And I felt like a prisoner, whose death sentence was near.

               A big hunk of fat, was hanging from Flo's gut,
        And, I wondered how Rick could stand looking at such a slut.

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          Flo's eyes--how they squinted; pig-like without a doubt,
        Her cheeks looked like elephant skin, her nose like a snout.

              Her gigantic, red mouth opened up like a shark,
      And her jagged teeth were ugly, as yellow as peed-on tree bark.

            The butt of a cigarette she held tight in her lips,
        And the smoke circled 'round her massive, hippopotamus hips.

            Flo had a pudgy face and enormous rolls of blubber.
      That flopped when she moved, and bounced like chunks of rubber.

          She was overweight and smelly, a terribly gross ex-wife,
       And I felt sick to my stomach, as I wished for the next life.

                A wink of Flo's eye and a smile on her face,
         Soon gave me to know, I wanted to be in a different place.

              Flo spoke a few words, about needing more money,
      And again I said, "No, way! You've already taken it all, honey!"

             She got up to leave, dragging Rick by his collar,
             And she gave me a wet kiss, before I could holler.

                 Flo waddled outside and jumped in her car,
              And she and her man headed for the nearest bar.

          But I heard Flo exclaim, as she drove off with the geek,
                     "If he doesn't give me more money,
                   I'll bring over my mother next week!"

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The Morale of The Story 
ROFL  >.<

A Few Funny Pics

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A Christmas Carol (2009)
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Fred's Wife: [playing an animal guessing game] Is it a horse?
Fred: No.
Guest #3: A cow?
Fred: No.
Guest #4: A dog?
Fred: No.
Guest #5: An ass?
Fred: Well... yes, and no...
Fred's Wife: Oh, I got it, Fred! It's your Uncle Scrooge!
Fred: Yes! 
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may I Have My Cake Now PLEASE

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Elvis Presley Do not Disturb

Let's take the phone off the hook
Turn the lights way down low
Baby put down that book
Tell the maid to go

Do not disturb
Hang the sign on the door
Do not disturb
It's time to make love
And I can't wait anymore

I'll just pull down the blind
Now come over here
I've got one thing in mind
Let's get comfortable dear

Do not disturb
Hang the sign on the door
Do not disturb
It's time to make love
And I can't wait anymore

Everything's right tonight
Mmmm, it's great when we kiss
Now your arms hold me tight
Let's stay like this

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 I Think Evis was into s&m ROFL :)

I'm coming for cake

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