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Here We Are Another Day Another Blog ROFL , Writing For X-mas is Damn Hard I am Running Out Of Stuff ...So as You Will See I Am Winging Myself Off The Tit' Of X-mas Slowly But Surly ( and Don't call me Surly)
"There ought to be one day -- just one -- where there is open season on senators." ~
Will Rogers
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The North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) is gearing up to track Santa
again this year. It has officially released its schedule, now allows you to get
real-time reports on your cell phone, and you can log on to its website at any
time Christmas Eve to locate Santa's whereabouts - http://www.noradsanta.org
It reminded me of Christmas 2009, when early morning reports of reindeer poop on
the Eiffel Tower and the Empire State building circumvented modern technology and
allowed kids to track where Santa and his reindeer had been. These are based on
help desk reports from the North Pole. As you know, reindeer poop was in demand
last year for those folks, who were put on Santa’s naughty list. Entrepreneurs
even packaged the stuff with poems like this one:
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Santa saved a precious gift
and it's especially for you.
Just a little something extra
and it comes from Rudolph, too!
He knows that you've been naughty
instead of being nice.
Once again you're on the bad list
and he's checked it over twice.
Santa hopes this little poem
doesn’t throw you for a loop.
All you’re getting this year
is a bunch of reindeer poop!
The Elves
Recycled reindeer droppings can be used for mulch, potting soil, pranks,
fertilizer, and fiberboard. You can contact the North Pole directly for Reindeer Poop franchise information. Proceeds from the franchise initiative support Santa's workshop.
While 10 million people from 212 countries had a good time tracking Santa Claus
via NORAD, Google Maps and Google Earth, and the Twitter microblogging service,
including 24 "Santa cams" around the world that were later put up on Youtube; some
small folks were still having fun learning where Rudolph and friends made pit
stops.
I went online to see if there were any web sites dedicated to reindeer poop
sightings, as Santa was feeling a bit guilty about some of the splatters,
especially the one dropped in mid-town Manhattan at about 11:00 pm EST, flattening
the roof of a taxi, plus, the hoof and Claus marks on the forehead of an old lady
in Skidmore, Texas; but there were none to be found.
By the time the sleigh reached the New Jersey Pine Barrens, Santa and the reindeer
were feeling the side-effects of all those chocolate chip cookies. In an act of
desperation, Santa began dropping notes asking kids for nachos and beer, instead
of milk and cookies.
You always wondered why the Washington Monument faded in two-tone, right?
Volunteers at the North Pole help desk fielded nearly 195,000 phone calls
reporting a need for WINDEX; over 940,000 e-mail complaints demanding that a
pooper scooper be installed on the sleigh; and one from an irate Senator Bernie
Sanders, who was still running his mouth.
The root cause analysis?
The 24-hour marathon of "A Christmas Story," interference by Buddy the Elf, and Christmas!
@scotty yelling
Christmas Humor: How to Annoy Your Neighbors
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We all feel the peer pressure to decorate for the holidays and to put out our best
beat-your-neighbor lights and animatronic
like winter wonderland exploded and we still do even more the next year.
I say, why bow down to decorating peer pressure? Go the opposite way, and see just
how mad you can make your neighbors. This may just make it a decorating season
they will never forget. Here are a few (not so) serious ways to annoy your
neighbors. (Don’t try these at home, kiddies.)
1. Put up Halloween decorations: Red-nosed reindeer are so cliché. Why not bring
Tim Burton’s “The Nightmare Before Christmas” to life by bringing the scary?
Orange lights and blacks go great with a few inches of snow. Make some of those
tombstones say “Here Lies Rudolph: It’s better to burn bright than to fade away”
or “R.I.P. Frosty: Next time, don’t materialize in California.” You’ll get a huge
laugh as the cars stop and look at your macabre tribute to the holidays.
2. Be seen from space: Everyone likes to go a little overboard on the light
displays, but why not let the International Space Station use your home as a
beacon? Your neighbors will not be applauding your Christmas spirit when their
living room looks like noon at 10 p.m. Better yet, set the whole thing to music,
so that everything flashes to the beat. Your neighbors will come out to see the
electric sun you created as it flickers to “Silent Night.”
3. Blow up EVERYTHING: I have, on more than one occasion, decried my hatred of
outdoor blow-up decorations, so if you want me to hate your house, then put about
15 of them in the front lawn. Buy up very style they have in stock and turn your
front yard into a carnival of holiday horror. Frosty and Rudolph turning on a
blow-up decoration. Why not mix it up and put some of those Halloween and
Thanksgiving ones out there, too.
4. Music, music, music: Nothing says Christmas like “Deck the Halls” blaring from
five speakers on your front porch. You can rattle with windows and set off car
alarms, all while celebrating Christmas. Your neighbors will want everyone to know
about your Christmas spirit, especially the police (and possibly even a lawyer or
two).
5. Decorations? What decorations? If you really want to annoy all your neighbors,
then just skip all the decorations this year. When the homeowners association or
neighborhood leg-breakers come to your house and wonder why Frosty isn’t adorning
your roof this year, just tell them you’ve got mono and can’t leave the house. If
that doesn’t work, then say you are boycotting the commercialization of Christmas,
and then come home with lots of shopping bags.
These are guaranteed to get you noticed in the neighborhood — and to get you put on Santa’s naughty list.
LOL some Dudes Rant, had To post this ")
Santa Baby
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I have GOT to get me one of those manger scenes that has Santa holding the baby
Jesus. Because nothing screams Christmas like a bearded old fat man cuddling our
Lord. If this can honestly make sense to the masses then I expect to see the
Easter bunny holding a wake.
Obviously, someone came to the realization that despite the onslaught of wooden
yard art begging us to keep ‘Christ in Christmas,’ Santa was still getting all the
fan fare. Let’s face it – he does bring all the presents. On the other hand, if
Jesus were still around then I’m thinking that whole ‘turning water into wine’
thing would be hugely popular. An endless supply of Pinot Grigio for some lucky
girl or boy! Of alcoholic parents. I’m just saying…it would go over big.
Santa has commercialism on his side. What Jesus needs to do is…well for one…get
out of the damn cradle already. What is that all about anyway? Who stays a baby
FOREVER. Every December 25th Jesus is what? AN INFANT! How about letting him grow
up, then kids could sit on his lap and proclaim their wishes. Times have changed
and Jesus needs to keep up, lets get him a publicity manager and have him do some
charity work again. Maybe show him having a round of golf with Jerry Lewis or
speaking at a ‘Walk For The Cure’ breast cancer rally. Jesus knows this stuff and
frankly Santa, for the most part, is a recluse. I think this could be his undoing.
Be that as it may, Christmas is what it is and it’s probably not going to change.
So thanks to the Crusades and a dying Pagan religion we now have the holiday of
hodge-podginess known as Christmas. It’s Jesus’ BIRTHDAY!! Bring presents! And a
dying tree that we can gussy up real purdy-like.
Jingle Bell Mock
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For many people, one of the most enjoyable aspects of this festive time of year is
the suffocating full-body poultice of Christmas music jauntily congealing in the
background of every last retail store, office, and home during the weeks-long
stretch between Thanksgiving and New Year’s. With a rather limited number of
“classics” to choose from, you’d think that the inevitable repetition of original
holiday tuneage would begin to wear thin after awhile. But, as usual, you would be
wrong, because with endless artists recording endless variations of the same fifty
or so songs, the listening experience manages to remain fresh and unique day after
day, year after year, decade after decade, until you die.
As you can probably tell, I, too, am a big fan of the stultifyingly saccharine
strains steadily saturating the Saint Nicholas season, and it is no coincidence
that I find myself grinding my teeth down to the pulpy root in pure delight every
time the latest underage, underdressed, overhyped, over-processed pop sensation
lends her voice to yet another golden Christmas oldie. But despite my sincere and
obvious appreciation for the entire catalog of holiday music in general, there is
still no single song that I would rate as my overall favorite in particular. And
that started me thinking: I may not have a cherished chant du choix, but I’m sure
plenty of folks out there do. And since actually asking different people about
their favorite songs will probably take far more effort than anyone who works in
“comedy” should ever exert, why don’t I embrace the moderately less rigorous task
of “making crap up” and create a arbitrary list of random entities and the various
holiday ditties that they are likely to hold near and dear to their hypothetical
hearts?
…
Hmm, I thought for sure there’d be some objections. But apparently not, so let’s
begin! (By the way, after you read the list, feel free to contribute some of your
own in the comments section. If they’re good enough, maybe you’ll win a pony.[1])
Group or Individual
Favorite Holiday-themed Song
Grover, Cookie Monster, Gonzo, Smurfs - Blue Christmas
Hockey players and rednecks - All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth
Sheep - All I Want for Christmas Is Ewe[2]
Married couples with lackluster sex lives - Silent Night
Swingers/Sex club enthusiasts - Oh Come All Ye Faithful
Catholic priests - Little Drummer Boy
Alcoholics - Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Recovering alcoholics - The 12 Days of Christmas
Potheads - Angels We Have Heard on High; Oh Christmas Tree
Cokeheads - Let It Snow; White Christmas
Feminists - Anything from The Nutcracker
Pugilists - Deck the Halls
Deaf people who like to taunt blind people - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Blind people who like to taunt deaf people - Do you Hear What I Hear?
BBW fetishists - I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
The Duggar Family - What Child Is This?
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[1] Not from me, of course, but who knows what sorts of weird-ass contests you’ve been entering recently.
[2] [sic] Sheep are notorious misinterpreters of this homophone — yet another
argument for improving literacy rates amongst ruminants. (Are you listening O-baaaaa-ma?)
Passive Aggressive Christ
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Gingerbread Crackhouse
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The Christmas Invitation
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Mick had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits
his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He
sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total
peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. ‘Name’s Cliff,
your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night.
Thought you might like to come at about 5:00….’ ‘Great’, says Mick, ‘after six
months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks Thank you.’
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. ‘Gotta warn you. Be some drinking’…’
‘Not a problem’ says Mick. ‘After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the
best of ‘em’.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ‘More ‘n’ likely gonna be some
fighting’ too..’
‘Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right!. I’ll be there. Thanks again.’
‘More’n likely be some wild sex, too,’
‘Now that’s really not a problem’ says Mick, warming to the idea. ‘I’ve been all
alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?’
‘Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.’
The Gift Not Wanted
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Li'l Naturalist Hornet Farm.
The Duncan Yo -- Goes down, never comes back.
Teaches children about warranties.
5,200 Pick Up -- a jumbo deck of cards that lets kids
play a larger version of their favorite game.
The "Learn About Puberty Chia Pet".
Supersoaker 9000: For use on those hard to reach targets;
NFL referees, low flying planes, and many more. At close
range it can strip paint, clean rusty grills, and dig
utility trenches.
The Laff-O-Minit Spellin' Tootor.
Doggie Dentist -- Kids learn about dentistry on
the family pooch.
Cuisin-Art -- Turns mommy's food processor into
a spinning paint tool.
Water Retention Wanda -- Teaches kids the principles
of the calendar.
Chocolate Covered Lead Soldiers.
Islamic Strip Poker -- lose a hand, lose a hand.
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The Most Offensive Christmas Art Show Hits Hollywood
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Perhaps they should have called it XXXmas?
Mixing Christmas themes with ample female breasts and featuring the work of Austin
Young, Kitten Natividad, Buff Monster, and our fave the Gay Bigfoot, among others,
Lenora Claire chose not to rest on her laurels of the hugely successful Golden
Gals Gone Wild collection of this summer, but instead opted to pump up the volume
with a new group of art that’s poised to get viewers hot under the collar.
PUBLIC NOTICE
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"Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving questions about my dog who
mauled 3 Muslims sitting on a rug next to my back wall, 6 illegal’s wearing Obama
t-shirts, 4 Democrats wearing Pelosi t-shirts, 2 rappers, 5 phone operators who
asked me to press #1 for English, 9 teenagers with their pants hanging down past
their cracks, 8 customer service desk people speaking in broken English, 10 flag
burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.
FOR THE LAST TIME;
THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!
mauled 3 Muslims sitting on a rug next to my back wall, 6 illegal’s wearing Obama
t-shirts, 4 Democrats wearing Pelosi t-shirts, 2 rappers, 5 phone operators who
asked me to press #1 for English, 9 teenagers with their pants hanging down past
their cracks, 8 customer service desk people speaking in broken English, 10 flag
burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.
FOR THE LAST TIME;
THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!
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1. A Portal Gun.
No - two Portal Guns. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
2. A mechanised biro with a predictive text function and a weighted gyroscope, so
you only have to write the first few letters of a word, and it wobbles out the
rest for you. Will also beep when you spell a word incorrectly, and cross out and
write the correct spelling if needed.
3. A second mouth, so I can hold a conversation with one, and dictate notes with
the other. Plus I could breath whilst doing cunnilingus on fat chicks.
4. An email encryption system that takes MAC address into account, so emails can
only be opened on a specific machine.
5. A knee-length black leather jacket with Kevlar and Vectran Fabric lining (I'll
be stylish, warm, and water/flame/knife/bullet-proof*. Beat that.)
6. A googlable version of archive.org and the entirity of Usenet
7. A couple of jars of green peppercorns. They're quite hard to come by in bulk,
you know.
8. A musical toilet-roll dispenser that plays "Who let the dogs out", with the
word "dogs" replaced by "tods". Then I can say "It was ME!! HA!" out loud every time.
9. A realistic sexy robotic lady, fully touch-responsive and programmed to be all
horny, with fully functional bits, and an adjustable volume slider (she wouldn't
be able to talk anyway, but sometimes it's nice to have a screamer). Should plug
into the mains to provide heat. NOTE: I would also settle for a real girlfriend.
10. My Dream PDA - Specs below.
+ Can be mains and wind-up powered
+ Keyboard and trackball as the blackberry curve's (for one-handed browsing)
+ iPhones's 'pinch to zoom' command
+ Blackberry storm's tactile push-screen,
+ Google-phone's barcode scanner.
+ Supports BES
+ Dual SIM
+ Inbuilt LED torch & laser pointer
+ AM/FM/LW radio reception
+ Pull-string that sends out a signal on the International Distress Frequency and
calls in a helicopter. Ok, so you have to pay £10k for the priveledge, but if it's
that or your life...
+ 'Low power flight profile' mode which turns off all signal, backlighting, any
'eye candy' & unnessecary background processes to maximise battery life for mp3
playing and video-watching.
+ All standard mod-cons (wi-fi, bluetooth, gps, camera, microphone etc etc) and
all standard software support (java, flash, SCUMM engine etc.).
+ Media software should support all standard audio & video file formats, including
Apple's. Browser should include advanced zoom/text-wrapping options, adblock
filters, greasemonkey scripts & stumbleupon.
+ Built-in, extendable usb connector (standard) on a retractable sprung-reel, like
on vacuum cleaner power cables.
+ 1 SIM and 2 miniSD cards should click in and out of slots in the side of the
phone, alongside charging socket & headphone jack: all hidden behind small hinged
door.
+ 2nd SIM to be ejectable only by phone software, requiring a password to do so.
+ Rape/theft alarm (which you can phone in**)
+ Fully-enclosed titanium case (brush finish)
+ Hinges above the screen to flip open the front cover.
+ All seams to be rubberised, rendering the phone effectively waterproof.
+ Entire case to act as heatsink on the chips, eliminating need for fans/airvents.
+ A solid, curved indentation & ridge in the centre of the reverse side, to be
used as impromptu bottle opener.
+ Serial No, alternate contact details, and a Decal of a sexy lady to be painted
on in uv-sensitive paint.
+ Where possible, circuitboards to be intersperced with case-reinforcing struts,
so the phone can wishstand a good stomp.
+ Comes with a free bar of gold and a blowjob from a playboy bunnygirl.
*In a manner of speaking.
**specs for Theft Alarm:
You can send one of several coded SMS messages or emails to the password-locked
software-ejectable SIM, which perform various different functions.
- Lock the phone, pin required to unlock.
- Shutdown the phone, pin required to reboot.
- Sound a very very loud alarm until battery dies, right pin is entered, or 'undo'
code is sent.
- Set "THIS PHONE MAY BE STOLEN - CALL [number] TO CONTACT OWNER" as the desktop
wallpaper until pin or code is entered/recieved.
- Burn out the chips, make the phone pretty much useless and irreperable.
- Wipe miniSD, phone and SIM card memory alongside any of the above commands.
And THAT is what I want for xmas, boys and girls.
8. A musical toilet-roll dispenser that plays "Who let the dogs out", with the
word "dogs" replaced by "tods". Then I can say "It was ME!! HA!" out loud every time.
9. A realistic sexy robotic lady, fully touch-responsive and programmed to be all
horny, with fully functional bits, and an adjustable volume slider (she wouldn't
be able to talk anyway, but sometimes it's nice to have a screamer). Should plug
into the mains to provide heat. NOTE: I would also settle for a real girlfriend.
10. My Dream PDA - Specs below.
+ Can be mains and wind-up powered
+ Keyboard and trackball as the blackberry curve's (for one-handed browsing)
+ iPhones's 'pinch to zoom' command
+ Blackberry storm's tactile push-screen,
+ Google-phone's barcode scanner.
+ Supports BES
+ Dual SIM
+ Inbuilt LED torch & laser pointer
+ AM/FM/LW radio reception
+ Pull-string that sends out a signal on the International Distress Frequency and
calls in a helicopter. Ok, so you have to pay £10k for the priveledge, but if it's
that or your life...
+ 'Low power flight profile' mode which turns off all signal, backlighting, any
'eye candy' & unnessecary background processes to maximise battery life for mp3
playing and video-watching.
+ All standard mod-cons (wi-fi, bluetooth, gps, camera, microphone etc etc) and
all standard software support (java, flash, SCUMM engine etc.).
+ Media software should support all standard audio & video file formats, including
Apple's. Browser should include advanced zoom/text-wrapping options, adblock
filters, greasemonkey scripts & stumbleupon.
+ Built-in, extendable usb connector (standard) on a retractable sprung-reel, like
on vacuum cleaner power cables.
+ 1 SIM and 2 miniSD cards should click in and out of slots in the side of the
phone, alongside charging socket & headphone jack: all hidden behind small hinged
door.
+ 2nd SIM to be ejectable only by phone software, requiring a password to do so.
+ Rape/theft alarm (which you can phone in**)
+ Fully-enclosed titanium case (brush finish)
+ Hinges above the screen to flip open the front cover.
+ All seams to be rubberised, rendering the phone effectively waterproof.
+ Entire case to act as heatsink on the chips, eliminating need for fans/airvents.
+ A solid, curved indentation & ridge in the centre of the reverse side, to be
used as impromptu bottle opener.
+ Serial No, alternate contact details, and a Decal of a sexy lady to be painted
on in uv-sensitive paint.
+ Where possible, circuitboards to be intersperced with case-reinforcing struts,
so the phone can wishstand a good stomp.
+ Comes with a free bar of gold and a blowjob from a playboy bunnygirl.
*In a manner of speaking.
**specs for Theft Alarm:
You can send one of several coded SMS messages or emails to the password-locked
software-ejectable SIM, which perform various different functions.
- Lock the phone, pin required to unlock.
- Shutdown the phone, pin required to reboot.
- Sound a very very loud alarm until battery dies, right pin is entered, or 'undo'
code is sent.
- Set "THIS PHONE MAY BE STOLEN - CALL [number] TO CONTACT OWNER" as the desktop
wallpaper until pin or code is entered/recieved.
- Burn out the chips, make the phone pretty much useless and irreperable.
- Wipe miniSD, phone and SIM card memory alongside any of the above commands.
And THAT is what I want for xmas, boys and girls.
AND DID I FORGET TO MENTION MY CAKE!!!!!!!! :P
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| @scotty yelling ROFL LOVE THE CONTROLLER I MEAN SHIRT :) |
TODAYS MOVIE PIC and QUOTE
Of THE DAY
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| @scotty yelling |
Little Fockers (2010)
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| @scotty yelling |
Because I am watching you.
Ben Stiller: I have eyes too, so I’ll be watching you… watching me.
=============================
Ben Stiller: Hey whats the good word grandpa Jack?
Robert De Niro: This is Jack Byrnes
Ben Stiller: Yeah I know, I can tell from the caller ID.
=============================
Blythe Danner: I am so excited to see those little Fockers!
=============================
Robert De Niro: I like few minutes alone with him just to erase what he saw from
his memory.
Ben Stiller: No, you’re not gonna erase my son’s memory.
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LOVE and MISS YOU All
HAVE A GREAT DAY
SMILE YOU ARE
LOVED
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| @scotty yelling |
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| MORENO 10 |
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| i can taste sweet sweet cake |
@scotty yelling
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| @scotty yelling |
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Arrested on charges of unemployment,
He was sitting in the witness stand
The judge's wife called up the district attorney
Said you free that brown eyed man
You want your job you better free that brown eyed man
Flying across the desert in a twa,
I saw a woman walking across the sand
She been a walkin' thirty miles en route to bombay
To get a brown eyed handsome man
Her destination was a brown eyed handsome man
Way back in history three thousand years
Back every since the world began
There's been a whole lot of good women shed a tear
For a brown eyed handsome man
That's what the trouble was brown eyed handsome man
Beautiful daughter couldn't make up her mind
[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/brown-eyed-handsome-man-lyrics-elvis-presley.html ]
Between a doctor and a lawyer man
Her mother told her daughter go out and find yourself
A brown eyed handsome man
That's what your daddy is a brown eyed handsome man
Milo venus was a beautiful lass
She had the world in the palm of her hand
But she lost both her arms in a wrestling match
To get brown eyed handsome man
She fought and won herself a brown eyed handsome man
Two, three count with nobody on
He hit a high fly into the stand
Rounding third he was headed for home
It was a brown eyed handsome man
That won the game; it was a brown eyed handsome man
Christmas , and i want cake
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