OFF Stuff For Fun Reads: Twisted Tuesday


@scotty yelling

Here WE Are TUESDAY MADNESS
sit back and relax as the
oddness of the web gets
to you :)

A Man's Conversations With His Penis Through 3 Stages of Life

Early Adolescence

@scotty yelling

Penis: HEY MAN, WHAT'S GOING ON?

Brain: Nothing, just calm down. I'm wearing sweatpants and we're right in the middle of class.

Penis: BRO, LOOK AT ALL THESE CHICKS. LET'S HAVE SEX WITH THEM. ALL OF THEM.

Brain: We're definitely not gonna do that.

Penis: YO THAT VOLCANO DIORAMA LOOKS LIKE A BOOB. WE SHOULD HAVE SEX WITH IT.

Brain: Please go back to sleep.

Penis: F*CK NO. I'M AMPED.

Brain: But I've gotta do a presentation. Everyone's going to see you...

Penis: DON'T CARE.

Brain: Please, I'm begging you.

Penis: I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH EVERYTHING IN THIS ROOM.

Young Adulthood


@scotty yelling

Penis: Damn, your ex is looking pretty good tonight.

Brain: She's crazy.

Penis: Crazy...IN THE SACK!

Brain: I'm not gonna hook up with her. Too much drama.

Penis: WE'LL SORT THAT SHIT OUT LATER.

Brain: No. I'll sort it out later. You'll just do whatever you want and leave me to deal with the consequences.

Penis: WHATEVER, MAN. STOP BEING GAY. WHAT ARE YOU GAY OR SOMETHING?

Brain: Can't we just find someone else?

Penis: I HAVE MADE MY CHOICE. BEND TO MY WILL.

Old Age


@scotty yelling Old at heart. And by heart I mean penis.

Brain: Come on, old buddy. You can do this. It's my 40th wedding anniversary.

Penis: ...Ugh.

Brain: Get up! Just this one time. Please.

Penis: Go away. I'm sleepy.

Brain: All I'm asking is for a few minutes.

Penis: With that old hag? That's an eternity.

Brain: That's my wife you're talking about!

Penis: She bores me.

Brain: What if I think about someone else?

Penis: That could work. YEAH! LET'S DO THIS.

Brain: Great. OK, here we go.

Penis: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Brain: SON OF A BITCH.

VIAGRA

Don’t forget to pay the meter!

@scott yelling

How to get rid of a carpet stain.

@scotty yelling

Get out of the road people… STOP EVACUATING ... I Mean Ejaculating

@scotty yelling

If Ikea Made Instructions for Everything

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SOME RANDOM RE- RECUTS

Jesus Gets Arrested


@scotty yelling

Jesus: Joint Custody

@scotty yelling

*knocks*

Mary: Someone's at the door
Joseph: Don't worry babe, I got it.

*opens door*

Joseph: Oh, hey God.
God: What's up Joe, how you been?
Joseph: Good, busy, really busy. You?
God: You know how it is, just managing the after-life and trying to keep the world from crumbling. Can't complain.
Joseph: Yeah.
God: Well, is my boy around?
Joseph: I think so, I'd check the backyard.
God: Joe, I'm God, the boy's inside.
Joseph: Oh, weird, you're right. Jesus, your dad who left you here after impregnating mommy is her to take you for the weekend...

*As Joseph turns around to look at Jesus running to the door, God raises his smiting finger but is deterred by a look from Mary*

Joseph: Now Jesus, be careful and rememb...
Jesus: ...Bye dad, bye mom, love you!

*the two fly off in the sky, Joseph closes the door*

Joseph: How can I compete with that Mary, I mean honestly.
Mary: Joseph...Jesus loves you, he doesn't care about God's cheap tricks.
God: ...Uncalled for...
Mary: Leave now.

*wafts air out of the room*

God: I'm still here.
Mary: Well then just keep quiet, my husband and I are trying to have a discussion...Like I was saying, God may show Jesus the secrets of the universe and how life started, but you will be the one who shows him how to tie his first knot and read his first line of scripture.
Joseph: I guess you're right babe, I love you.

*Josephs pants immediately drop*

Joseph: What the hell?
God: Hahaha, I just granted Jesus the power to stop time but only if it makes you look like a fool. He's laughing, can you hear him? Come here Jesus, laugh closer to my vocal chords so they can hear it.
Joseph: I hate that guy.
Mary: Same.

MOVIE PIC and QUOTE of THE DAY

Defendor (2009)

@scotty yelling

Constable Mike: Captain, this guy is pretty funny. He says he wants to call a truce.
Captain Fairbanks: A vigilante?
Constable Mike: No. No, he's a superhero. He calls him Defendor. And that's with an O-R, Captain. It's not an E-R. Defendor. And he flips out if you get that wrong. It's very bizarre.

HAVE A AWESOME DAY DON'T WORK TO HARD

WILL SEE YOU SOON