Monday, December 20, 2010

"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year." - Victor Borge

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Calif. Weather

Dec 20

Dec 21

Dec 22
Rain / Thunder / Wind
Rain / Thunder / Wind

Dec 23
Partly Cloudy
Partly Cloudy

Dec 24

Dec 25
Partly Cloudy
Partly Cloudy

Dec 26

Dec 27
AM Clouds / PM Sun
AM Clouds / PM Sun

Dec 28

Dec 29
Partly Cloudy
Partly Cloudy
Hello Folk, Welp 5 Day Till Christmas >.< Hope You Had A Nice Weekend
We Have So Much To Get To Today :) From Shooting Santa To OFF THE WALL
So Site Back And Be Prepared To LYAO.

It Is Monday So We Start Off With .....
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Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire
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 “Why is there a bird house in it?” – Selma Bouvier
“Uhm, that’s an ornament.” – Homer Simpson
“Do I smell gunpowder?” – Patty Bouvier
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'I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.  Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.'
Shirley Temple
My Top 5 Christmas Cartoons of All Time

 Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - 1964

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How the Grinch stole Christmas - 1966

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Santa Claus is Coming to Town - 1970

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Frosty The Snowman - 1969

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A Charlie Brown Christmas - 1965

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Santa's Bad Day The Birth of a Tradition
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 One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.This stressed 
Santa even more.When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. 
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, 
and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of  little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw
end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. 
He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it  a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.  Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

You Know You have a Bad Mall Santa When...
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10. Instead of saying, “Ho-Ho-Ho,”
he exclaims “Oy vey!”

9. He asks the mothers if
they want to sit on his lap.

8. His credentials include a Playgirl Centerfold.”

7. You recognize him as a former NFL star
doing Community Service hours.

6. He avoids the the food court
unless his lawyer is present.

5. He refers to the wishing fountain
as his “tip jar.”

4. He won’t talk to the kids
without a disclaimer.

3. He asks the kids to leave him
milk and ATM cards.

2. He becomes the new
cigarette lobby spokesman.

1. Before the kids sit on his lap
he orders the elves to frisk them.

Shoot Santa
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Christmas time is fun time. And what's more fun than shooting some Santas running
around. Counter Strike style. You get a handgun and a sniper rifle. Aim for the head.

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An Elf Falls In Love With an Nurse
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 An elf was so paranoid about the size of his dink that he could never work up the

courage to have sex. Then, one day he fell in love with an elf nurse.

One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led

him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.

"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."

Blushing, the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."

"Really?" the relieved elf asked.

"Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."

Barbie's Letter to Santa
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Dear Santa,
 Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S  DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME! 

There had better be some  changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call  for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).So, here's my holiday wish list for 2010, Santa.

 1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy,
oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a  hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna  get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have 
nylon and velcro up your rear?

 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white silk. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man... maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

 4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

 5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

 6. A sports-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!

 8. A new, more 2011's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with a fake fur coat, can of red spray paint; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped wth several packs of gum.

 9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

 10. Mattel stock options. It's been 47 years-I think I deserve it.
Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new girl for next Christmas. It's that simple.
  Yours Truly,


Ken's Letter To Santa:
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  Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career
changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

 First of all, I along with several other collegues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the b#@*&% has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ablility to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length.

My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"?

In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:
"Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more 

accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. 

And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can drive, play sports.... Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before. In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.
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Christmas Story
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'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS  sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!

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Let’s put Christ back in Christmas, hey!
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The other week, I heard a great comedy skit on the radio that was perfect for 
Christmas. The title was “Let’s put Christ back in Christmas”.
I was rather surprised when these Irish folk singers started singing … here’s approximately how it started:
Let’s put Christ back in Christmas
Right back where he belongs
Let’s keep him there for all to share
and back in your favorite Christmas songs
They were very serious up until this point, and then the one singer says “so,
let’s insert Jesus back into Christmas carols … Pat, how bout the first one?” … 

which Pat followed up by singing:
Frosty the Snowman
Was Jesus Christ’s best friend
And he stood there melting by the Cross
Until the bitter end…

Song Here :)

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 Santa Will Be De-Layed
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It s Christmas Eve and Santa arrives at this beautiful young womans 
apartment. She takes one look at Santa and decides that she needs to make love to

Santa. She say s “Oh Santa, won't you stay the night? Santa replies, “HO, HO, HO, 

Gotta go! Gotta Go! Gotta deliver those toys, you know.

 The young woman tries to tempt Santa again by letting down her long silky hair and begs, “Oh Santa, now won't you stay? Santa again replies, “HO, HO, HO, Gotta go! Gotta Go!
Gotta deliver those toys, you know.

The young woman tries one last time. This time she opens her house robe 
and reveals her beautiful body. She then asks, “Oh Santa, won't you please stay. Santa, now becoming aroused, replies, “Hey, Hey, Hey, Gotta Stay! Gotta Stay!
Won't fit up the chimney THIS way!

Santa is real
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Solve those tricky family issues this Christmas

OK, this is WAY cheesy, but I thought some of you might enjoy … don’t say I didn’t warn you:

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Memo from Santa
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TO: ALL Employees

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early
reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether
they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer
dominates the season's gift distribution business.

Home shopping channels and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model 
Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and
Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should
take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will
also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been
cited and received unfavorable press. I am pleased to inform you and yours that
Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the
strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not
from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the
sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made
by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is
known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to
continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the
following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" 

  * The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the 
cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing 
considerable savings in maintenance. 
* The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost 
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned.
The positions are therefore eliminated.

 * The three French hens will continue their voluntary leave of absence.
 * The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with
a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have 

been calling, how often, and how long they talked.
 * The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications
for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as
a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

 * The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded.
It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an
example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an
upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from
now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
 * The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The
function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans
will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their

 * As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny
by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more
militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of
the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

 * Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

 * Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of
international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing
this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat
sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of
unemployed congressmen this year.
  * Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the
band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music
and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other
expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over
twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to
include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") - action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the
future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management
to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Questions should be directed to me.
[Signed] S. Claus  

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Krampus Day Festival
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Austria has a rather cool Christmas tradition.  Santa has a helper in Austria. 
He’s a horned, devil-figure called Krampus.  On Christmas Eve (Dec. 5th here, not
Dec. 24th) evil Krampus accompanies Santa during delivery of gifts to the
children.  Just like in the US, kids who have been good for the year get nice
presents.   The bad kids have to deal with Krampus.  Sometimes Krampus takes back
the gifts Santa left or he might beat the kids with a birch switch.  Krampus has

even been known to carry bad children away.   HOW FRIKIN' COOL IS THAT !!!

A Couple of Christmas Poems 
(Cause I Can)
 Not Forgotten   
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So just because you're
Far away, don't think
For a moment that you're forgotten.
I'm thinking about you because loving thoughts travel far,
And wishing you a very Merry Christmas and a New Year
Full of wonderful things.
Wish we could be together.

Christmas is a perfect Time
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Christmas is a perfect time
To stop and reminisce
About the many hours we've spent
Discussing that and this-
The laughs, the smiles
That we have known
The wonderful things we've done
That make the friendship that we share
A very special one!
Have a very special Christmas

Back To The Funny stuff :)

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Despite scattered reports of violence, U.S. shoppers sustained minimal casualties during the first few days of the holiday shopping blitz that began last Friday.
But rampant consumerism turned deadly at a Wal-Mart in Kentucky yesterday
when two shoppers were slain by a heavily armed Robosapien, a remote-control
robot that is one of this year’s hottest gifts. Police are trying tdetermine whether the toy acted alone or was operated by a disgruntled
The death toll now stands at three — a Texas tot was crushed by a giant
SpongeBob SquarePants — but analysts say it could climb as determined
consumers battle for coveted items under the pressure of a Dec. 25 deadline.
The annual battle to purchase material goods for Jesus’s birthday began the
day after Thanksgiving (aka Black Friday) with a coordinated pre-dawn
assault on the nation’s retailers.
Bargain-hunting consumers coast-to-coast mobbed the nearest Wal-Mart and
mauled their local malls, displaying a fierce Toys R Us vs. Them mentality
while doing an estimated $80 billion in damage to their bank accounts.
Authorities say some of the heaviest skirmishes took place at strife-torn

Circuit City.
Other injuries sustained during the barrage of transactions:
– A Pennsylvania woman took some plastic shrapnel from two shopping carts
involved in a high-speed crash at Sears.
– Six shoppers were flattened while trying to grab the last $139
flat-screen TV at a New Jersey electronics store. One lost a lot of blood and needed a transfusion of fresh high-density plasma.

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All women may want to pay heed to this little story before they go out Christmas shopping this year, and for all other shopping.
Unless your husband/boyfriend/partner is particularly interested in going shopping with you, it might be best to leave them at home and go shopping either on your own or with a girlfriend instead!

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Gold-plated Dildo
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not sure what purpose there is in this $1500 gold plated Elo Vya vibrator other
than to give you heavy metal poisoning, but here it is. The 18k gold plated
vibrator will satisfy women , but also passes its AU into your porous areas. Which can't be good at all. But hey, it's now on sale for $999. Score

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I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (2002)
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[after Justin burps]
Stephanie Carver: Justin, what do you have to say for your self?
Justin Carver: Tasty.

SMILE and 
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Please cake Santa :)

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Elvis Presley Because of Love 


 Because of love, I'm a hundred feet tall
I can bounce this world like a little old ball
The heaven and earth are now all mine
I've jumped to the moon from cloud number nine
Because, because, because, because of love

Because of love, I'm a mighty big man
I hold the sun in the palm of my hand
Just one leap I can cross the seas
Jump over mountains and fly over trees
Because, because, because, because of love

Well I found love, I found love
That's all that I can say
Oh I'll never, never, I'll never, never
Never let it get away

Because of love, I'm the happiest guy
And life is sweet as cherry cream pie
Well heaven and earth are now all mine
I've jumped to the moon from cloud number nine
Because, because, because, because of love
Because, because, because, because of love

I want to eat my cake

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