OFF Stuff For Fun Reads: Back For a Day :)

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HELLO FOLK , YEP I AM BACK ( at a clients house doing my blog ) Seems TELCOM ( and damn SOUTH AFRICA) can' Get Shit right . Let Me Explain. When moving here everyone has a PORT for phone and computers, That PORT is yours, well what happend was TELCOM decited to be stupid and give my port to someone else, so now I Have to wait for someone else to move to get one, YEP third world stupidity!!! JUST PUT A NEW ONE UP ASSHOLES HOW FUCKIN HARD IS THAT? And dont
get me started on the damn move,THE OLD LANDLORDS what a joke they are, wanting to go to court for every damn thing, THAT IS ANOTHER STORY FOR ANOTHER TIME. BTW IF THIS WAS AMERICA AND SOME ONE SAID THEY ARE GOING TO PUT A HIT ON YOU YOU BET YOUR FUCKIN ASS JAIL WOULD BE IMEDIATE, again that is for another day :) AHHHHH so nice to be back though. I HOPE YOU HAD GOOD HOLIDAYS :) IN this blog i will do some funny catching up :) Like my AWESOME CHRISTMAS OFFICE PARTY PICS LOL :) ANDA FEW OTHER THINGS :) I forgot to bring my ZEBRA pics to post with me but i will get them up ASAP.Yes REAL ZEBRAS not DONKEYS painted , speaking of donkeys painted ( ROFL, in a couple of days my mexican will ring true ) WHAT YOU ASK , THE HELL YOU SAY, ARE I TALKIN BOUT? ILLEGAL BABBBBY HEE HEE HEEE SEEMS SOME HOW I FORGOT TO UP MY VISA SO MUCH TO DO SO LITTLE TIME. HONEST MISTAKE THOUGH, I WAS TOLD 3 YEARS IT LASTED BUT GUESS I WAS WAY OFF :) IT'S OK THOUGH AS I SAID COULD BE A FREE RIDE HOME :) DAMN LOOK AT ALL THIS WRITING !!! SHALL WE GET TO THE FUNNY STUFF NOW OR WHAT ? OHHH WAIT B4 I FORGET THIS BLOG IS DEDICATED TO MY DOG DOBBIE, WHO WAS KILLED BY MY P.M.Sing GERMAN SHEPERD ( THEY WHERE BEST FRIENDS don't know what happend) heard her yelp ran outside to see and her juggular was bite, took her to the vet next day she passed FROM A DAMN HEART ATTACK!!! I MISS YOU DOBBIE DOG!!! :)

Tribute To A Best Friend

Sunlight streams through window pane
unto a spot on the floor....
then I remember,
it's where you used to lie,
but now you are no more.
Our feet walk down a hall of carpet,
and muted echoes sound....
then I remember,
It's where your paws would joyously abound.
A voice is heard along the road,
and up beyond the hill,
then I remember it can't be yours....
your golden voice is still.
But I'll take that vacant spot of floor
and empty muted hall
and lay them with the absent voice
and unused dish along the wall.
I'll wrap these treasured memorials
in a blanket of my love
and keep them for my best friend
until we meet above.

Your Pets In Heaven
To have loved and then said farewell, is better than to have never loved at all.
For all of the times that you have stooped and touched my head, fed me my favorite treat and returned the love that I so unconditionally gave to you.
For the care that you gave to me so unselfishly.
For all of these things I am grateful and thankful.
I ask that you not grieve for the loss, but rejoice in the fact that we lived, loved and touched each others lives. My life was fuller because you were there, not as a master/owner, but as my FRIEND.
Today I am as I was in my youth. The grass is always green, butterflies flit among the flowers and the Sun shines gently down upon all of God's creatures.
I can run, jump, play and do all of the things that I did in my youth. There is no sickness, no aching joints and no regrets and no aging.
We await the arrival of our lifelong companions and know that togetherness is forever.
You live in our hearts as we do in yours. Companions such as you are so rare and unique.
Don't hold the love that you have within yourself. Give it to another like me and then I will live forever. For love never really dies, and you are loved and missed as surely as we are.
Your Pets In Heaven

@scotty yelling

LET'S GET TO THE FUN STUFF DON'T WANT TO BE A DOWNER >.<

THE OFFICE PARTY ROFLMAO

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Don't know who she is but we had fun

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OHHHH LUCY!!! I 'M HOME her hair smelt nice ")

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Ahhhh Yes Marilyn Monroe, all damn night dimonds this and dimonds that, gezz mon!!

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Vincent Price and I had a drinking game going , I didn't win as you can see :)

The Female Merit/Demerit System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies:

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Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do
something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any
points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the system is
set up.
Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
* You make the bed. (+1)
* You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow. (0)
* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
* You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5) In the rain. (+8) But
return with Beer. (-5)
* You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
* You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)
* You pummel it with iron rod. (+10)
* It's her pet. (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party. (0)
You stay by her side for a while and then leave to chat with a college
buddy. (-2)
Named Tina. (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-20)
Tina has silicone implants. (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it is a sports bar. (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter; you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response. (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression. (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes. (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

Ubuntu

@scotty yelling

I was just taking a look at S-man's( shit mans) announcement for Ubuntu Unity and Light versions. Most of it is blah, except for this tidbit:

... The dual-boot, web-focused use case is sufficiently different from general-purpose desktop usage to warrant a fresh look at the way the desktop is configured. We spent quite a bit of time analyzing screenshots of a couple of hundred different desktop configurations from the current Ubuntu and Kubuntu user base, to see what people used most. We also identified the things that are NOT needed in lightweight dual-boot instant-on offerings...

Wut. Ok. Let me learn you something. I've seen lots of Linux screenshots in my time. If you were actually optimizing for the freetard, basically what you'd have is a desktop with two semi-transparent terminals. One tailing a syslog, and another showing an irc session. Oh and like some pager with a bazillion virtual desktops that are totally useless. Oh, and don't forget the scantily-clad, objectified female as the wallpaper image.
As for the rest of the article? OMG, You put a fucking dock on the side. In OSX and Win7, doing the same thing takes like 3 seconds. Do you really need to write a whole giant announcement about it?

Oh and I like the two sections at the end, about "Relationship to Gnome Shell" and "Relationship to KDE". Even the S-man has figured out that you can't just go "innovate" in the OSS community without shouting out to everyone. Because we don't want to piss off the ten people who care about Gnome Shell or KDE. Fuck. Could you imagine an Apple announcement saying something like "Relationship to Windows"?

How not to please a woman in bed

@scotty yelling

You don't last longer than an ice cube on a black car hood in the middle of summer at high noon.
You change sexual positions so much she starts feeling like she should get a job as a contortionist with Ringling Brothers Circus.
You come to bed with black socks on pulled up to your knee's.
You drool on your lover while indulged in orgasmic moans and groans due to climaxing.
You accidentally pass gas during the sexual act.
You mention how much better your sex life is since she ended her affair at the office.
If you speak less than two words during your time together.
You are ahead in the orgasm department 1,000 to 0.
If the only multiple orgasm's in the room are your own.
If the only oral sex in the room is because you spoke.
You grab and squeeze her breast like a weight lifter would grip a barbell at the gym.
Some TV commercials are longer than your foreplay.
Satisfying your lover emotionally is giving her a credit card to go shopping afterwards.
Sex drive is getting in the car to go hang out with your friends after making love.
You still smell like gasoline from your day job as an auto mechanic.
You tell her she is the best you ever had.
Initiating sex is saying "hey baby will you have sex with me".
You kiss like a parakeet eating bird seed.
You forget she has a G spot.

LEGO FOR ADULTS

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Dear Scrubbing Bubbles,

Please put a disclaimer on your "Toilet Gel" product that says:

Not recommended for use in households where males are present.

Thanks in advance.

* Disgruntled customer cleaning up piss all over his fucking bathroom

***********************
* not a paid endorsement

Let me explain.

Scrubbing Bubbles makes these little gel toilet things that you stick to the inside of your toilets in an attempt to keep these things clean in there which I'm not sure how that works exactly because there's NO WAY a tiny little blob of blue gel is going to stand up to the aftermath of a burrito dinner especially if I've had a cerveza (Spanish for "minimum wage").

It's like David fighting Goliath except instead of a stone David has a little blob of toilet gel and Goliath is an enormous pile of shit.

Worst. Analogy. Ever.

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The instructions say:

"Simply use the dispenser to stamp a gel disc onto the inside of your toilet bowl. The discreet gel disc sits just under the rim."

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UNDER. THE. RIM.

This is important, people.

Because the problem here is that Scrubbing Bubbles has neglected to take into consideration that these things may be used in houses where there are males present.
And any male will tell you this:
If there's something in the toilet, it automatically becomes A TARGET.

@scotty yelling

A guy needing to shoot at stuff in the toilet with his piss stream is as ingrained in his DNA as jerking off or wanting to bang Jessica Alba or jerking off while thinking of banging Jessica Alba or wanting Jessica Alba to jerk you off or (insert some other combination here) or laughing at farts.

How do parents potty train their sons?

They throw Cheerios and shit in the bowl and make the kid AIM FOR THEM.

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So what happens later in life when a guy walks up to a urinal and there's a booger stuck on it?
He tries to shoot it down.
BAM! KAPOW!
Men are hunters.
This is true even when the hunter has just had three cups of coffee and is holding his penis.
GENES, people. It's IN OUR GENES.
So, Scrubbing Bubbles, when you have someone stick one of these fucking things under the rim...
..this is what happens:

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So now, instead of just aiming for the water where nothing is floating there and focusing on the hole in the bottom (that's what she said) my son and I find ourselves fixated on this shiny blue gel thing sitting an inch from the top of the toilet and although I have been peeing professionally for about 40 years or so and have the aim of an Army Sniper (I could kill Osama with a four-cup-of-coffee piss shot, trust me) this is pretty much what happens:

@scotty yelling

It's like a can of silly string exploded in there except instead of silly string OMG IT IS URINE EVERYWHERE WHAT THE FUCK and now what was supposed to be a nice shiny sparkly toilet has turned into an afternoon of repainting the bathroom and trying to get pee out of the tile grout.
Awesome.

So thank you, Scrubbing Bubbles...but no thank you.

I'll stick with the Ty-D Bowl man.

At least we can aim for that guy.

Hunters people. Men are hunters.

@scotty yelling

Jack LaLanne, the fitness guru

@scotty yelling

Jack LaLanne, the fitness guru, died at his home on Sunday at the age of 96. I sat down with him after his death and interviewed him.
Me: Thank you for speaking with me, Mr. LaLanne.
JL: Plmrph krmble grunph.
Me: Excuse me?
JL: Plmrph krmble- Sorry, I was chewing. I said, please call me Jack.
Me: Okay, Jack. Thank you. You’ve lived a very full life – do you have any regrets?
JL: I lived for almost 100 years, was married to the same woman for the last half-century, and marumph harmble shaloomph.
Me: Sorry, I didn’t get that last part.
JL: I’m sorry about that – before the interview, I was looking around for something to eat, and all you had was mayonnaise, bacon, and something called “Twinkies”. I decided to try one of these things and they’re amazing! Margle phangle mophenmoph.
Me: You’ve never had a Twinkie before?
JL: No, I remember when they were invented *scrumph*, when I was a teen, but *frooshmph” I haven’t had anything to eat or drink *bloor* except for juice since the late 1920s.
Me: Well, I’m glad you’re enjoying them.
JL: Enjoying them? *skorch* They’re fucking fantastic! Why didn’t anyone tell me? *crumph*
Me: Well, I think you were too busy with feats of strength and talking about juicing.
JL: Then, I guess *marphmle* I do have a regret. I wish I hadn’t kept myself *crunch* from eating hydrogenated fats and sugars! That fitness thing was just *murmph* something I did to get laid, anyway.
Me: So, just to recap, if you had one message to tell the public?
JL: Fuck juice. Eat Twinkies.
Me: You heard it here first.

FOR SOME REASON MY BLOG IS WAY OUT OF WAKK !! It's NOT LINING UP CORRECTLY SRY FOR THAT !!

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HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!

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IT's Time For Todays

MOVIE PIC and Quote

of The DAY

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Over the Hedge (2006)

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Tiger: Shoo, go on, get away from here. My owner does not give scraps to common strays.

Stella: Common strays? Alright, you asked for it...

[turns and raises rear]

RJ: [whispers] Get the collar!

Stella: Gee, that's a nice collar you got on. Mind if I have a look?

Tiger: No-no-no-no-no! Come no closer! I must not be so near a creature of the outdoor woods.

[sneezes]

Tiger: Away with your filth!

Stella: My filth? My *filth*?

Penny: Oh jeepers here we go.

Stella: Okay, that's it. I'm sick and tired of everybody taking one look at me and running away 'cause they think I'm filthy. Well I got news for you: I didn't get primped and preened to have some overfed, pompous puffball tell me he's too good for me. I've got makeup on my *butt*, dude! And you don't even want to know about the cork!

Tiger: Stop! No one has *ever* spoken to me like that!

[others gasp]

Tiger: It is bold... I like it.

Stella: Yeah? Well, there's more where that came from, uh... puffball!

[Leads him away from the door]

Tiger: You're strong. Your essence is overpowering.

Stella: [pushes tail down] Wh-what do you mean by that?

Tiger: It is your eyes.

Stella: My eyes?

Tiger: They are... luminous.

Stella: Luminous... Dang.

HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT TUESDAY THANK YOU FOR

READING, AND WAITING FOR ME TO DO THESE BLOGS :)

DON'T WORK TO HARD SMILE AND REMEMBER...

YOU ARE LOVED :)

@scotty yelling

MORENO 10

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This is cool I didn't Know Elvis also did this song :)

Earth Angel
Elvis Presley

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Earth Angel, Earth Angel
Will you be mine
My darling dear
Love you all the time
I'm just a fool
A fool in love with you

Earth Angel, Earth Angel
The one I adore
Love you forever and ever more
I'm just a fool
A fool in love with you

I fell for you
And I knew
The vision of your lov-loveliness
I hoped and I prayed that someday
I'll be the vision of your hap-happiness

Oh,Oh,
Earth Angel, Earth Angel
Please be mine
My darling dear
Love you all the time
I'm just a fool
A fool in love with you

Some Pics I FORGOT TO PUT IN THE BLOG :)