Revolver Maps

Friday, February 25, 2011

Fugly Friday

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Hey Folk :) WOW What a week !!! Sry I couldn't blog was mass busy at work.I need a vacation BACK HOME :) How Do Ya Like The Pics ? Well I Will Try To make this blog as funny as possible,Don't Have To much as I have not had time to research . So Lets Get This Party Started , and A WARNING This One Contains ADULT STUFF and IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK :) Heee Heeee Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :)
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Hooking Up In Your Bedroom
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Ever brought a girl back to your place after a party? There's more to consider than just how long you last...

TV: Guys, he just put on The Notebook! He's hooking up!

Door: I'm not locked! I'm not locked! What do I do?!

Walls: Oh god, the pressure, why can't we be thicker?

Computer: Does this mean no porn tonight? Awh man...

Wallet: I THINK there's a condom in me. If not, bad luck Bed.

Bed: Ahh sh*t, I was only changed yesterday. Wait, they might do it on the carpet like last time.

Carpet: Not a chance, I gave him a burn he won't soon forget. You're screwed.

Bed: Desk?

Desk: Are you kidding? They only do it on me in the movies. I'm so lonely...

Bed: Thank god this chick is lighter than that last one. I was aching for
days.

Carpet: Awh yeah! His shirt just landed on me. It's going down!

Bed: Ouch, take it easy guys! You're not 16 anymore.

Wallet: Yeah, I've got a condom. We're good to go.

Chair: Why am I always facing away from the bed? Anyone got a camera?

Computer: I'm on it.

Bed: He's gentler than last time. Way to go, Steve!

Door: Sh*t guys, if someone comes in we are so screwed, I mean we are really-

Hallway floorboards: Crrrrk...

All: WHAT WAS THAT?!

Hallway floorboards: ...

Door: Phew, false alarm.

Bed: Almost done over here guys.

Desk: How do you know?

Bed: I just do. I've been here for 6 years... OK, he's done.

Lamp: And you know what happens now!

Condom: F*ck yeah! That was awesome! Where are we going now?

Trashcan: No... no... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!





The SI Swimsuit Edition Is Finally Giving Helpful Swimsuit Advice
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You are A Bad Parent
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"myFunnybloghumor.com) Thanks Bro for sharing your OFF the wall thoughts)

Maybe you should turn down Metallica a little, at least until the glass in the

windows stop vibrating. Your babies hearing is still developing.

You really should just go ahead and change your childs name to stop, quit, not now

or go outside and play, since they hear that more often.

My crazy way of thinking about all of the bad parents I know, have known or met in

my lifetime. Everything on this list is true and original except where noted at the

bottom. I have either overheard or witnessed someone actually saying these insane

things. It was through co-workers, friends or family over the years.

You are A Bad Parent

    * If your kid doesnt cry on the 1st day of school because he is happy to get away from you.

    * If your kid still has a pacifier in 1st grade.

    * If you tell your kid Santa is not real.

    * If your kid has a kid.

    * If you spend your kids college fund and don't remember how.

    * If you sit your kid on a hot car hood and he doesnt scream.

    * If you take your kid with you to your Parole Officer appts.

    * If your dogs leash is prettier than your kids.

    * If your kid is rolling joints for you.

    * If your kid is on probation before they are a teen.

    * If you feed your kids ramen noodles more than twice a day.

    * If your kids Halloween costume is a German Gestapo Uniform.

    * If your 8 year old has a Charles Manson poster in their bedroom.

    * If the "all kids are Gods children" church day care ask you not to bring your kid back.

    * If you have to ask someone if you are a bad parent.

    * If you have to drive around the neighborhood looking for your 4 year old after dark.

    * If you ask your kid  "Will you go get my cigarettes please ?"

    * If you find the dvd "how to be an expert shop lifter" in your kids room.

    * If you toss your used disposable diapers out in every parking lot you change
your baby in.

    * If your kid is not hungry at dinner because they just had 3 soft drinks and two candy bars a       15 minute span.

    * If the refrigerator has an echo when you look inside and say "we dont have any food'.       
Overheard friends wives say

I dropped off baby Jane at Grandma's on the way to work. She said she was feeling

better today. The terrible pain in her left shoulder is not as bad as it was

yesterday. Her chest pains and the ringing in her ears is also almost completely

gone. I worry about her living by herself.

"Jim is now paying $400,00 a month for child support." In the mean time his child is

dressed in raggedy jeans with torn shoes, but the ex wife is styling around in brand

new designer clothing.

Made up for the sake of humor
If you ask your kid to get the noisy foreign object out of the garbage disposal

while its turned on you are a bad parent.

If you tell your kid to clean the stuck grassy mud clumps from underneath the

lawnmower while it is running you are a bad parent.

If you ask your kid to clean the hair from the vacuum cleaner roller while it is

turned on you are a bad parent.


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Strange People In Austin Holding Funny Signs

 Willard from Waco certainly didn't like George Bush.
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George Bush has sex with farm animals. Was Willard there ? 
Did he witness GW doing this strange act.

Leslie Cochran.
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Austin's infamous transvestite cross dresser who has run for Mayor on several
several different occasions. You can always find Leslie hanging out downtown on 6th
street.He panhandles and tourist tip him for photo shoots. LOL You Go Leslie!!!



And Last BUT Not Least

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I Am So Glad I Am Not A Woman ( funny rant)
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I was talking to my good friend and wild child neighbor a few doors down as she
chugged on her 6 pack of miller genuine drafts with a KOOL menthol dangling from her
lips. She was telling me her strange version of life as she always does. Suddenly
some long haired hip dude with a Texas tan and guitar strapped over his shoulder
blazes by on his mountain bike. She randomly blurts out "I love being a woman, we
have it made, I could have any man anytime I wanted if I was that kind of girl."

OK ? did she really just say that ?
Being the beautiful young lady she is, I don't doubt it for a second.
Liquid courage? The ganja? Maybe all of the zanax she takes? I don't know.

I love women and I am pretty sure all men do unless of course they are gay. I certainly cant live without them ( no I am not being male chauvinist this is a joke)

They are just cute and fun to be around. When I was young thinking like teenagers do

I was jealous of women. I always thought it would be so cool to be a woman from a
sexual perspective. To be able to have sex anytime you want. Of course we know its
not really like that, or is it ? As men we have to work hard to pick up women just
for sex, unless you are extremely handsome, sexy or rich. Unfortunately I was never that lucky.

All of that has changed with the sexually transmitted disease factor weighed in.

Lunatics walking the planet and so on. Women have become more aware, and more picky.

Someone mixed up the wrong blessing's recipe when they created women. In a nice
humorous way I had to explain to my friend how the ball really bounced. I know a

little bit about women (NOT). Some of the things I wish I didn't know.
I'm sure they're are many more reasons I am glad I am not a woman, but here are a
few. This is not from some list I found on the net, or saw elsewhere. This is from 
my very own warped way of thinking.

# I don't have a menstrual cycle.
(but i do have a motorcycle)

# I don't have the mental anguish and emotional changes the week before a menstrual cycle.
(that's two weeks in a row every month women have to endure this, bummer)

# I don't have to go through 9 months of pregnancy.
(but i am glad someone does, or i wouldn't be here.)

# I never have to give birth to a 7, 8 , 9 pound baby that comes screaming and

kicking out of my body.

# I don't have to endure a big ball of absorbent cotton made material inserted

inside of me for several days out of every month.

# I don't have to worry about having to go through menopause
(don't they call it "the change of life" ?)

# I don't have to shave my legs, armpits etc...

# I don't have to pluck my eyebrows

# I never have to wonder if someone keeps me around just for the sex.

Back to the "I can have anyone anytime" subject. You might be able to have sex anytime you want for the simple fact that you have something men want.  For most of the men I know it is the only reason they are in a relationship.
(LOSERS, a woman is somthing to chearish I know hands down of missing the woman you turly love)
As a man I can have an orgasm faster than most TV commercial breaks, (not 2-3 hours)
and I don't have to go through any of the things listed above.

I just want you to know that men are the ones who really have it made.

Don't Take It Serious - It Only Humor

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Best Divorce letter ever
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Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off"
period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded
little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my
pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired
of pretending I don't
miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first
move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as
our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie."
I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you.

They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't
say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was
young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a
childhood spent ice-skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you
wouldn't believe and an a*s that just wouldn't quit, every man's dream, right? But
as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff
we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body
mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm
getting at.
Does it make her a better person?
Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie?
I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself
thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless
technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else; some nagging feeling
of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same
because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?

Nothing feels the same without you. Oh, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you.
And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year?
Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't
eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but
that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away
in our old bedroom.
And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know,
like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and
whether the kids can hear us.
And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity.
So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves.
And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why
didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what,

14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean,
Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and
she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good
advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back
together, Connie, she really is.

So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times.
Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how
much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And
then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking
about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled
some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting
inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?
 

It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could startover? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you
feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know
where the f*cking remote is?

Love,
Dan



Distributing dollars
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Little Johnny was in the maths class one day when the teacher singled him out.
"If I gave you $20," the teacher began, "and you gave $5 to Mary, $5 to Sally and $5
to Susan, what would you have?"

Johnny thought for a moment and answered, "An orgy, sir!"


If you bid high enough you can also take the first born. Y'know, to cover the repair costs.
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Linux vs Windows
Is it true that Linux fans dislike all Microsoft products including Windows? Well,
check these pictures below and you've got the answer...

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Honest Instructions
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 This fight is totally unfair
everyone knows norwhals are imaginary.
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 WTF GOT TO LOVE 3D Porn
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ET Sequel: “ET-X” (Extended Trailer)
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Since ET’s been away, quite a lot of dreadful things have happened to the earth, like the Jonas Brothers, Bieber. And the little fella loves humanity, he doesn’t want to see it suffering at the hands and voices of irritating pop brats. And of course, there’s the small case of the fang-toothed evil ETs bent on eating earth’s children. Somebody, anybody, phone home.

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Dear Bieber. (Justin Gets Killed)
FUCK YAHH!!!!

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It FINALLY happend. But! The only thing missing from this video is a headshot. Other than that you get to watch the baby-faced clam jouster getting shot up like many of you have no doubt dreamt of. But we all know that you can never be sure if someone’ll recover, so best to stand above him and pump a few into the head. “M’mmm whatcha say!” Mission accomplished! Next target : Miley Cyrus.


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The History Of Sex

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I get to teach you some valuable piece of knowledge that will help you immensely as you move through life.  Now, we all know there is nothing grosser than the thought of your parents having sex.  Your grandparents are even worse.  But seven or so generations back, thinking about sex between your ancestors becomes really funny.

That's why today we're going to learn about...

Strange Sexual Customs Of The Past

Ancient Birth control
Egyptian birth control was really sh*tty.  Since no one had the pill in ancient
Egypt, women packed crocodile dung into their “all seeing eye.” If for some reason

that didn’t work, and a woman suspected that she was pregnant there were numerous
fail-safe Egyptian home pregnancy tests. For instance, she could insert an onion
into her vagina—and if her breath smelled onion-y? Well, looks like someone's
boyfriend will be picking up extra shifts at the slave whipping site!

The Romans on the other hand, had their own tricks. Initially they used silfium, an
herbal contraceptive that became so popular in Rome it became extinct. When that
dried up, they were left with the only intelligent alternative: squatting and
sneezing post-sexum, the sight of which must have been as funny, if not funnier, as
someone stuffing crocodile poop into her vagina.
Sex with Feet
Back in the day, when a girl was young and her bones good and tender Chinese parents
would bind their daughters’ feet with long strips of cloth. But why exactly?

Basically so that the outsides of the feet would curve downward and inward to form
vagina-like folds. As painful as it was, the deformed feet were thought to be highly
erotic, and there are plenty of accounts of men paying enormous dowries to have sex
with the resulting folds. The plus side of this was that the women rarely got
pregnant from the foot sex unless, of course, her husband had really, really good
aim.

Punishments for bad behavior
During the Middle Ages, priests studied various Penitentials—books dedicated to
providing the proper punishment for a sin. Here’s how specific the books got:
A wife who mixes her husband’s semen into dinner so as to make them more amorous

shall do penance for three years (from the Penitentials of Theodore, c. 675). Of
course, that’s nowhere near as bad as "emptying" into someone else’s mouth. That sin
could land you seven years of Hail Mary’s.  The Penitentials are silent though on
the subject of "emptying" into your roommate's sock.

Enlarging your penis, Indian-style
Vatsayana, author of the Kama Sutra, was an ascetic who may have never had sex. But
that didn’t stop him from recommending a ton of sex positions, and dedicating his
last book to penis enlargement. His failsafe trick? Sleep face down on a cot with a
hole in it. Then attach a giant weight to your member, and snooze.  Better still,
convince your roommate this trick works and watch the hilarity unfold!

Dildos: Don’t leave earth without one
Along with the many things they’d be needing in the afterlife (just the essentials,
like necklaces, cosmetics, perfumes and gold) early Egyptian queens were also buried
with a wide variety of dildos.  Yup, dildos and mumified cats...that's Egypt in a nutshell.
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"It will be for me a spell against the water for I see my heart, my beloved standing right before my face... My arms open wide to embrace her and my heart is joyful in my breast... You’ll be to me like eternity... her lips open wide as I kiss her and I am joyful even without wine.It is seven days yesterday and I have not seen my beloved. Affliction has spread throughout me, my limbs have become heavy. I’ve forgotten my own body. Only the name of my beloved can refresh me. The coming and going of messengers is the one thing that can revive my heart. Let her open her eyes and my body will be vigorous... I will embrace her, she vanishes all guilt from me."
King Tutankhamun



 I THINKS WE NEED SOME MOTIVATIONS
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MOMMA Always said WHEAT WAS GOOD FOR YOU :)

IT'S TIME FOR TODAYS MOVIE PIC and QUOTE
of  the DAY
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The Other Guys (2010)
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Terry Hoitz: Your farts aren't manly.
Allen Gamble: Are you serious?
Terry Hoitz: They sound like a baby blowing out birthday candles.

HAVE A AWESOME  DAY and A GREAT WEEKEND
DON'T WORK TO HARD, 
SMILE I LOVE and MISS YOU
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MORENO 10

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How Would You Like To Be? Elvis Presley
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How would you like to be?
A little circus clown
And you could wear a smile
Instead of a frown

How would you like to be?
A little kangaroo
A-hoppin up and down
And I could hop with you

Come on and smile a little, smile a little
Hop a little, hop a little,
Smile a little, hop a little bit with me

Come on and smile a little, smile a little
Hop a little, hop a little,
Smile a little, hop a little bit with me

Oh ho, ha ha, a-tra la la la la la la
A ha, tra la la la la la la

How would you like to be?
A little buzzing bee
And instead of a tree
You could buzz around me

How would you like to be?
A little mocking bird
And you can sing me songs
Like I never heard

Come on and buzz a little, buzz a little
Sing a little, sing a little
Buzz a little, sing a little bit with me

Buzz, buzz, buzz a little
Do re mi a little
Buzz a little, sing a little bit with me

Oh-ho ah-ha, tra la la la la la la
Oh-ho, a-ha ,a-tra la la la la la la

How would you like to be?
A little baby bear
And you can hug me tight
Any time you care

How would you like to be?
A little dancing doll
And you could dance with me
Everytime I call

Oh-ho, tra la la la la la la

Oh-ho...ah-ah...tra la la la..la.la..la 
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I want somecake

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